Betrayal Trauma - What to do when you find out about your partner’s infidelity / sexual addiction
Finding out about a partner’s infidelity is devastating. When there is betrayal from someone you thought that you could trust, your life can feel like it has been flipped upside down. This type of betrayal is traumatizing and can make it difficult to function. Many of the symptoms are similar to symptoms of PTSD.
Common betrayal trauma symptoms that look identical to PTSD and Acute Stress Disorder symptoms
Intrusive thoughts/images
Inability to regulate emotions
Distressing memories and/or dreams
Disruptions in sleep
Loss of appetite or increase in appetite
Negative beliefs about oneself, others, or the world
Isolation
Hypervigilance
Difficulty with concentration
Avoiding external reminders (people, places, activities)
Intensive psychological distress
Dissociative reactions
Flashbacks
Diminished interest in activities used to enjoy
If you are experiencing any of the symptoms listed above, it is so important to get support.
Steps to take after discovering your partner’s infidelity or sexual addiction
The most important thing right now is your healing. You have been traumatized and the first thing to focus on is you.
Boundaries
Throughout your healing there will need to be a lot of focus on developing boundaries. It will be important to have a good therapist to help you navigate and incorporate healthy boundaries. Part of developing boundaries is listening to what feels right for you. If it feels like at this point you need some space from your partner, it is ok to have some space to reflect and let things sink in. If you want to still be close to your partner, it is ok to be close to your partner. You don’t have to respond in a certain way, you can do what feels right for you.
Give Yourself Permission to NOT Have to Make a Decision Yet
If the thought of making a decision about the long term status of your relationship is too overwhelming, give yourself permission to not have to decide at this point. Your healing is the top priority not the additional pressure of making a decision. If it feels like you are ready to make a decision, that is ok too.
Take Control of Your Health
It is a good idea to get tested for STIs. Your partner may say that they used protection or that the infidelity was not physical, but often partners may use trickle truth. Trickle truth is when partners share small parts at a time, generally what has already been found out. Often as time goes on more is found out, and more information trickles out. Sometimes partners try to use trickle truth as a way to minimize the pain, but this technique actually ends up contributing to ongoing trauma as more continues to be discovered. Due to this, it is probably a good idea to err on the side of caution when it comes to your health.
Build Your Support Team
The first couple of weeks can be especially brutal. You may be overwhelmed with emotions, trying to figure out answers and understand why. You might feel physically numb and unable to function. You may feel embarrassed and unsure how to handle the situation. Some betrayed partners isolate and don’t tell anyone, others find themselves talking about the experience over and over. You have been wounded and traumatized. The first step in your healing is to bring down the intensity and pain.
Identify supportive people that you can talk with
This may be a friend or family member who can be understanding and supportive
Join a support group (In-person or online)
EMDR Intensive or Recent Trauma Intensive
Short term intensive sessions can help decrease intense reactions related to intrusive thoughts, images and negative beliefs related to the betrayal
Set up an appointment with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma
Many therapists do not understand the specifics about betrayal trauma and may give unintentional harmful advice
Certified EMDR Therapists can help you process through the disturbing memories and negative beliefs that have been internalized
CPTT or CCPS therapists can help you learn information about sexual addiction, develop boundaries, and connect you with support groups
If your partner is open to therapy it is important to have a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist who can assess for sexual addiction and has specialized understanding of sexual acting out behavior.
Some partners may be defensive or resistant to therapy. If this is the case, please do not let that stop you from your own healing. You cannot control the choices that someone else makes but you can work on your own healing and develop healthy boundaries for yourself.
What to look for when looking for a therapist
EMDR Therapist
Certified EMDR Therapist trained through EMDRIA
Helps to process through trauma, disturbing memories, and negative beliefs that have been internalized
Betrayal Trauma Therapist
Certified Partner Trauma Therapist (CPTT) or Certified Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPS) - specialized in helping the betrayed partners
Learn about sexual addiction
Develop boundaries
Join support groups
Sexual Addiction Therapist
Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) - can assess for sexual addiction and have specialized understanding of sexual acting out behavior
Learn about sexual addiction and sexual acting out behaviors and how they developed
Join support groups
Betrayal trauma is horrible. No one deserves to be betrayed, especially by someone you thought you could trust the most. Right now is a time to focus on your healing.
If you are ready to jump start your healing and feel better now, check out my intensives page or schedule a free consultation call.
Assess You Safety
Discovery can be so overwhelming and result in intense emotional and physical pain. It is important to do regular check-ins with yourself and assess your safety. If you are in physical danger please call 911. If you are having feelings of hurting yourself or someone else there are resources that can help.
Call 911 for immediate danger
Go to the nearest emergency room to get assessed for possible hospitalization
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - Call, text, or chat 988
The Living Room Program - Many towns have drop in facilities for crisis situations (List of facilities in Illinois)
