How To Improve Your Apologies

In our society it is very common to expect that children apologize when they have done something wrong. When one sibling hits another sibling a common response is for the parent to talk to the child that wronged the other child and have them apologize to the child they hit.

Why do we have children apologize? There is a lot of importance in apologizing. Apologizing is acknowledging and taking responsibility for what we have done wrong. This is powerful both for the person who was wronged and for the person who wronged another. Essentially the person wronged gets validated of their importance and given the message that they did not deserve the treatment they received. The person who wronged another also benefits because rather than feeling shame for their actions they take responsibility and work to right the wrong.

This does not mean forcing an apology. A hollow or sarcastic apology does not give the message that responsibility has been taken or that the person wronged did not deserve the treatment they received. Also adding the word “but” takes away the power of the apology. An example would be “I’m sorry that I hit you, but you were being really annoying”. The apology is not sincere and focuses on how the person wronged was to blame for the inappropriate behavior. Leave the apology just as it is, an apology.

My recommendation is to not force an apology, but to model the behavior of apologizing instead. It is common for parents to expect children to apologize for their behavior, but it is much less common for parents to apologize to children. This can be uncomfortable for many parents, but can also make such a positive change in the parent-child relationship.

When parents are able to apologize to their children it gives the message that they are important and did not deserve negative treatment. I would be willing to guess that most parents have had moments when they have lost their cool with kids. Many of us, myself included, have had times when I have been frustrated and overwhelmed and responded in a less than ideal way. Often that includes yelling, angry eyes, or pointing in the person’s face. Those responses generally don’t help the situation and often end up escalating behaviors. No one is perfect and it is inevitable that we will make mistakes and respond out of frustration and overwhelm. The positive side is that it gives us an opportunity to practice giving genuine apologies.

I’ll give an example of what an apology might look like. Since mornings can often be a difficult time where parents and kids have to get ready and have tight schedules for getting to school and work, I will use an example from mornings. In this specific example the child had a tantrum while getting ready for school, the parent got upset and started to yell at the child. After the child was able to calm down the parent responded to the child in the following way:

“Honey, I am so sorry that I yelled at you. That was not very gentle or kind of me and you did not deserve that. I was getting really frustrated because I was worried that I was going to be late for work and I am sorry that I yelled.”

Notice the apology was focused on the apology and taking ownership of the parent’s behavior. It should not focus on the part that the child played in the ordeal. The overall goal in that moment is to model apology. Don’t expect the child to instantly respond with an apology back. Modeling a new behavior takes time. I suggest practicing often. The more consistent parents are with modeling the behavior, the more likely kids will start using this approach as well.

I often hear a concern from parents that if they apologize, children will not learn that there are consequences to their actions and essentially they get away with unacceptable behaviors. When parent’s apologize it does not mean that there are not still consequences for the child’s behavior. It is important to have clear expectations and natural consequences which are delivered in a respectful way. Apology does not absolve the child’s actions but allows the parent to take responsibility of their own actions and model that behavior for the child.

Apology can feel great, for both the child and the parent and can actually provide an opportunity to bring the relationship closer. Apology is not only helpful in parent-child relationships but can be helpful in all relationships.